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I Just Want Coffee

In this episode, I Just Want Coffee . . .

Do you have a favorite author? Let me introduce you to one of mine; you may know him from the book A Walk in the Woods, which was made into a movie in 2015 with Robert Redford, Nick Nolte, and Emma Thompson – his name is Bill Bryson.

Bryson is an American-born author, journalist, and travel writer known for his humorous and engaging prose style. He has written many best-selling books on various topics, including travel, science, language, and history. Bill Bryson was born in 1951 and grew up in Des Moines, Iowa. He attended Drake University in Des Moines but dropped out before graduating. After a stint in the U.S. Army, he moved to England in 1973, where he met his wife and began his writing career.

Now, when I need a hearty laugh, I listen to Bill Bryson narrate his books via audiobooks by audible. It's a great way to start your day smiling while working around the house, cleaning the garage, or bicycling. While poking around for something to share with you this week, I just had to share this; I couldn’t help myself. The following segment had me rolling off the bike, with tears streaming down my face; I could barely see while riding what we call our "around the block" 15-mile bicycle ride last weekend.

In the audiobook I'm a Stranger Here Myself, Notes on Returning to America after 20 Years Away, narrated by Bill Bryson, one of my favorite essays is "Enough Already." It begins like this;

"I have finally figured out what is wrong with everything; there is too much of it. By that, there is too much of everything that one could want or need except time, money, good plumbers, and people who say thank you when you hold a door for them.”

This side-splitting, laugh-until-you-cry essay rattles on about the overabundance in America of everything. Not least, ordering a cup of coffee while waiting in line at an airport - goes something like this.

"It used to be if you wanted a cup of coffee, that's what you asked for, and that's what you got, but this place being a 1990s sort of coffee stand, offered at least 20 choices - plain latte, caramel latte, breve, macchiato, mocha espresso, espresso mocha, Black Forest mocha, Americano and so on - in a range of sizes.”

He went on to explain that every customer's annoying order went something like this,

"I'll have a caramel latte combo with decaf mocha, a cinnamon twist, and a low-fat cream cheese sourdough bagel, but I'd like the pimento grated, and on the side are your poppy seeds roasted in polyunsaturated vegetable oil?”

“No, we use double extra light canola extract.”

"Oh, that's no good for me; in that case, I'll have a New York three-cheese pumpernickel fudge croissant. What kind of emulsifiers do you use?”

"In my mind, I saw myself taking each customer by the ears, shaking their head slowly 18 or 20 times and saying you're just trying to get a cup of coffee and a bread product before your flight now, ask for something simple and scram.”

Let's listen in as Bill orders a coffee: Audio segment.

I'm a Stranger Here Myself is a collection of humorous essays written by Bill Bryson and published in 1999. The book is a compilation of weekly articles that Bryson wrote for the Mail on Sunday, a British newspaper, after returning to his home country of America, following two decades living in England.

The essays cover various topics, from the quirks of American culture and customs to the challenges of adjusting to life in a new place. Bryson's observations are insightful and entertaining; he uses his sharp wit and irreverent humor to poke fun at American society and himself.

Reading the book is delightful; however, listening to the audio rendition narrated by the author is a complete sensory experience; all that’s missing is the taste of the coffee.

“Oh, one sugar and a little cream, please.”

“Would you like Splenda, Sweet’n Low, or Equal?”

“Just plain old sugar, if you please.”

“French vanilla, silk almond creamer, or hazelnut?”

“How about good old Half & Half, you know, the stuff that comes from Cows' milk.”

Bryson's dry wit and self-deprecating humor are hysterically entertaining.

Bill Bryson makes writing look too easy.

I'm Patrick Ball; thanks for listening; see you in the next episode.

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