I Was Already Me

In this episode, I Was Already Me: Redefining What It Means to "Become Someone” . . . 

"You're never a hero in your own home." It's a phrase that often rings true, a quiet acknowledgment that the very people who know us best are also the ones most intimately familiar with our quirks, our unedited selves, and the messy bits we rarely show the world. But what happens when that familiarity leads to disconnection, when our deepest thoughts are dismissed as "too much," and even our best efforts feel unheard?

I've been talking with my friend Dr. Don Hanley, a former Catholic priest turned psychotherapist with a background in teaching and writing. Recently, he shared a vulnerability: some friends no longer want to meet because his conversations are too deep, and his family criticizes him for being too lost in thought or writing foolish blog posts.

It's a stark reminder, even for a seasoned psychotherapist, that the "hero" outside often struggles within their own walls. It echoes a universal truth: we are all, at our core, human beings doing the best we can with our life experiences.

The Unseen Battle of "Becoming Someone”

We recently had an exchange that perfectly captures this struggle. He asked me, "Didn't you ever want to 'become someone?'" Puzzled, I asked what he meant. He clarified, "I wanted to become a priest so I could become someone." My immediate response was, "I never thought about it. I already was someone. I was me."

This distinction is crucial. In our society, "becoming someone" is often confused with attaining a job, holding a title, or achieving a professional milestone. We chase external markers of success, believing they will define our worth or earn us the admiration we crave.

Reflecting on my career, I've realized a deeper truth: people seldom remember your work contributions. What stays with them is how you made them feel. If you make others feel appreciated and enjoy your company, you become someone memorable and meaningful to them. Otherwise, you're not.

The challenge, then, isn't about fitting into a mold or simplifying ourselves to be more likable. It's about accepting that our deepest thoughts and our authentic selves are too much for some. It's about recognizing that criticism, even from loved ones, often stems from their own perspective, not a definitive judgment of our worth.

Finding Flowers in Your Own Pile of Life

Don's memoir, "Finding Flowers in a Little Pile of Sh*t," is available on Amazon. It offers a raw, honest account of a young man's quest for acceptance amid life's disappointments, failures, and successes. One reviewer said it takes readers on "a voyage of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth where we discover Don's experiences—and how to live life as real participants."

His story, and the real-life struggles he faces even today, illustrate that our heroism isn't found in being universally understood or celebrated, but in the quiet courage of continuing to be ourselves, to learn, to grow, and to try to connect, even when it feels like we're speaking a different language.

It's about acknowledging our own "piles of sh*t"—our perceived failures, our miscommunications, our unread blog posts—and still finding the flowers of wisdom, connection, and self-acceptance within them.

Dr. Don and I will continue to explore these deeper ideas, perhaps in these blog posts, because they are essential for understanding ourselves and navigating our lives. While not everyone seeks out such conversations, we know some do.

Are you navigating your own "too deep" moments, seeking to connect authentically, and embracing the everyday heroism of simply being you? We'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. Perhaps in sharing our experiences, we can all find more "flowers" in our lives.

I’m Patrick Ball. Stay curious, ask questions. See you next time.